“to the man about to put the lampshade on his head” by Ken Wagner

it’s not funny

no matter how much scotch we drink

it’s not funny

the only way you can top yourself at the next party

is to enter in a floral print dress lipstick and heels

and that’s even more not funny than the lampshade

so as you finger the fringe on the shade of the table lamp

mustering the courage or more likely squelching your dignity

let us follow the natural progression of your un-comedic arc

you will don the lampshade and say I feel lightheaded

followed by Get it Get it

and then a limerick about the man off the coast of Cape Cod

which we’ve all heard a thousand times before

but some of the men will make the mistake

of giving you an obligatory chuckle

which will only make you try harder

which is even more less funny

then all the women will turn away and in sync roll their eyes

your wife will leave the room and the men will fan away saying

Classic you

when your wife returns with your coat on her arm

she’ll jingle the keys at you and say Roger Come

and you’ll sheepishly walk to the door

keeping the lampshade on as you wave goodbye

and all the men will bend slightly in sympathy pain

and all the women will start to clean up the bar