when they first go,
let yourself think every selfish, no-good, dirty, angry, filthy, horrible thought. let the waves of anger wash through you.
let grief do its work.
do not swallow your tongue
when it turns into a blade.
scream a little, if you have to, but don’t swallow that sharp. don’t.
blame God, if you have to. shake your fist at the sky.
let it happen. he will forgive you.
eat. remember to feed yourself.
shower, if you can. sleep.
kiss your loved ones on the forehead.
recognize how and where love still exists.
forgive tomorrow for never showing up for them.
grab your anger by the shoulders and shake it until it crumbles.
be sad. let your heart be heavier than wet jeans.
feel how much weight there is on your chest.
sit in wonder at how you are still alive, how this didn’t kill you, too.
hold yourself like a child. sing yourself to sleep.
go where the warmth is.
dry your clothes in sunlight, then wear the warmth.
this pain is permanent, but, like a scar, it will fade. a crescent moon on your arm.
make no apologies for what you’ve done to survive.
it is okay to miss them every second.
it is okay to howl at the moon.
pain is an animal with sharp teeth and a soft heart.
wait.
it will get easier.
time will slip its fingers inside of that gaping hole
and pull the darkness out, little by little.
wait.
listen for their voice, whispering,
“I AM HAPPY. WHEREVER I AM. LIVE IN PEACE.”
– grief counseling | Caitlyn Siehl
Words for the Year 
holy shit , right??!!!
where did you find that?
that is awesome
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Holy shit is right.
“sit in wonder at how you are still alive, how this didn’t kill you, too.”
“pain is an animal with sharp teeth and a soft heart.”
Ooph.
Caitlyn is phenomenal. I’ve shared her work a few times… She has a book out, but often I just randomly click around her website and wait for the kick in the stomach which always comes. (In a good way.) if you click her name in the post it will take you to her tumblr site.
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yes…
sit in wonder sometimes.
i’m gonna check her out.
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There are two more from her on the daily site:
https://wordsfortheyear.com/tag/caitlyn-siehl/
and
a couple from the weekend site:
You make me think of Joni Mitchell.
Of red wine and dancing on tiled floor with my hands up, like I’ve surrendered
to the rhythm of my body when it
is singing about you.
You make me think of sun dresses
and citrus and rose oil.
I peel fruit and it is exactly like saying
your name, so I don’t wash my hands
and I touch you until we both smell like tangerines, until we’re sticky with it.
On a Saturday that is not this one,
I will go for a walk while the sun yawns, and everything will turn quiet.
It will be a small moment, I can promise you that, and it will take me to you.
Somewhere with a big kitchen and brick walls.
You will be cutting an onion with a butter knife and I will be
drinking Merlot out of a coffee cup while you cook,
and Joni will be singing in that aching way she does, like she’s got all the time in the world to fall apart.
Here, you will be the voice inside my talk of forever.
Here, you will be the open window and the sway of my skirt in the wind.
Here, you will kiss my stained mouth until it is its own sun
and every word is golden.
– Caitlyn Siehl, In the Kitchen (via alonesomes)
and
“Don’t you do that.
Don’t you look at what I had for you and call it weak.
Not when you were the one afraid of it.
I stood there with my hands open,
my mouth bruised tender with supplication.
Don’t you dare treat me like a victim of my own emotions, like being
moved to my knees by love
was a mistake that I regret.”
– Unrequited | Caitlyn Siehl
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