“Abandonment” by Amanda Helm

I am sweeping and mopping and scrubbing everywhere I go.
Sweeping up shattered shards of who I once was and
mopping up the pieces that disintegrated into empty promises and I scrub the old memories of who he was off of my skin –
everyday I am sweeping and mopping and scrubbing.
when I started leaving everyone who told me they loved me,
I realized I had become the product of abandonment.
I had been left by people who said they cared about me, and this
burned inside my memory as the way to show love.

the second to last time I left someone, I realized three months too late that I was only leaving because I was afraid.
so when the next guy came around, I stayed too long because I thought regret would fill me as soon as I closed the door.
So I stayed and endured and hurt,
and broke.

And here I am alone and unable to trust my own judgement and unable to trust my own heart and unable to trust anyone else.

I am a product of being abandoned and I don’t know how to love.

– Amanda Helm, “Abandonment”