“if only you could see yourself now” by Brandon Speck

if only you could see yourself now,
you’re settling back into a quiet autumn
and you’ve missed the smell of must, rain, and tobacco
kissed into the corners and couches
of the same house you share with seven others.

you miss the girl who used to sleep on your couch
who had the skull of the bird she is named after
tattooed across her arm.
you are glad you stopped drinking.

it’s 2am and you’re staying up far too late.
you have an interview for a job in the morning
that you will come to hate in 2 months.
you’re not in love the way you expected.

some memories turned into broken drawers
that you chose to store all your knives in,
every time you open them, they always come spilling out towards you.
you miss having sex with people you also love.

precariousness is now the pillow you sleep upon,
and you no longer have such structured repeating romance.
you no longer have such a structured repeating life,
and I know it killed you that you knew it wasn’t forever.

i know i can’t stop you from panicking,
but it will all make sense.
you repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat
until you realized it was too early to build such a life based on repetition.

you’re settling back into a quiet autumn,
and you’re stone sober at 4am after a Friday night
while the world starts to make a strange kind of sense,
the same way words become meaningless when repeated enough times.

all of this
is to say,
you made it this far,
and i’m proud of you.

— Brandon Speck, “A Letter to Myself, A Year Ago

* Gratefully 3 years sober, today. Thank you, friends, for reading. -Christy

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